On · Reflections.

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I got too lazy to reorganize this one.

I haven't had any 'official' training since escaping Naxxramas, but I have been told I would be welcome at the citadel Ebon Hold. This meant being in the vicinity of Brill once again, but I headed East as soon as I set foot off the zeppelin. It took a few minutes to realize that something wasn't right. Everything was greener the further I went. Trees were growing, flowers were blooming, and I swear I saw a field of crops beneath me. Is this the work of the Emerald Dream as well? I didn't stay to find out.

It wasn't the lush jungles of the Barrens, but there was still so much more life than there used to be. Any life at all is too much for a place like that. What I would have given to see this happen back then... Now I just find it uncomfortable and disturbing. I want to say it's just a fear of running into him and nothing like bitter jealousy that dead places can be granted life again, but...


I'm sure I can either find somebody else to teach me or just continue to develop techniques on my own. Now let's see how Northrend has changed since I left it.

I recently decided to investigate some of the other changes that occurred in Azeroth while I was asleep in Nagrand, particularly interested in how the Barrens were affected. Besides the great chasm dividing the region, what used to be an oasis has erupted into a jungle. I drifted through those same areas as a child, back when they were harsh and desolate. How jarring to see it teeming with life... It's like it's another world entirely. If Vaien and I hadn't slaughtered them all after our escape from Naxxramas, what would they think of it?

Perhaps it is. Some of the druids in the area say it's the result of the Emerald Dream seeping into this world, or something like that. The mention of the Dream alone was enough to get me on edge. There are so many more rifts for nightmarish creatures to come into the waking world now than there were just a few years ago. So many opportunities for him to return.

I want to believe I'm beyond the spirits now. I can't tap into my former shamanistic abilities anymore, I don't feel in touch with the earth, I can't feel the little nudges from ancestors that I didn't realize tried to guide me in life until they were gone. Some help they were. My connection to my spirit guide should be severed as well. But given how corrupted he'd become...

Sometimes I feel lonely enough that his return might come as a relief. I'm not an idiot enough to go seeking him out, though. I know I'd regret it immediately. As suitable a punishment as that may be for everything, I neither need nor deserve company. I brought all this on myself. Never forget that.

I don't know why I'm bothering to try. I don't belong there among them anymore. To see him laugh and joke around and just enjoy himself with others and then so coldly turn me aside... He says he isn't angry with me, but I think it would be easier if he was. It would at least be reassuring to know he cares enough to be angry.

But why should I care? I thought I'd lost the capacity to. Yet I watched those others in Brill (how the place has changed since then) who embraced their death, made the most of it, and still had bonds and friendships. Even those once bound to Arthas. Then again... The Forsaken themselves were once the same way, and while most of them have shunned positive emotions I know it's still possible for them. I've seen it.

I've given the rod to No, so Vaien's fate is now entirely in his hands. He'll know the proper time to change him back, if at all. If he decides that he should live out the rest of his days as a spider, so be it. At least he won't be running around with evil books. I can't

I hate not being able to do anything to make things right.

If I found Pook, would he

All there is to be done is watch and protect from a distance, I suppose.

It seems they're showing just about anybody how to snoop around in ruins properly.

I need to buy a shovel.

So much has happened over the past few days. My mind is swimming. Where do I even begin?

When I came back from Nagrand for a trip down memory lane I was not expecting all of Azeroth to be split apart. The goblins have been paid enough to pick a faction or something to that effect (why else would they be wandering the cities in such numbers?). Cairne is dead and Thrall has resigned to go gods know where.

I know there was a time I was naive enough to believe I could do something to help save the world. Now I don't think there's a point in bothering. Everyone is only wasting their efforts. Yet it seems some of those I once loved when I had the capacity to are still alive. I could devote myself to protecting them at the very least.

Until I do something stupid to mess everything up again. A lifetime of bad decisions followed by an afterlife of even worse. I should have ignored the dreams and kept sleeping. I have no place here in this world of the living. No purpose. Is this how the Forsaken feel?

...

I want to see them again, I think. I would like to. At the same time I can only remember all the misery we all went through together, no small amount of it due to my own idiocy. They remember it too. I know it. They don't care for what I've become. If I were still alive I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to see me either.

I do have to see Vaien again. Does he even recognize me as he is? I won't get any answers from him as to why he kept running away. Why he didn't just stay put and at least pretend to be sane for a while. I think this is the same thing I put No through time and time again. I can't destroy the ring but it carries so much weight... I can't Why did I even

I'm going to ask No to kill him. If nothing else, I won't have to worry about him anymore.

Found book on corpse. Decided to write to pass time.
Nothing to write about, however.

---

Vaien went off someplace. Gone a while. Probably did something stupid.

---

Woke up hearing the call again.
He knows we're gone. Wants us back.

I refuse.

---

Still gone. Did he go north? Get himself killed? Do something stupid?
Most definitely the last.

---

Getting harder to resist.

---

It stopped.

---

Went investigating.
Word on the wind is Death Knights are allying themselves with Argent Dawn. Some in Horde too. Ironic.
All together to defeat Lich King. Three factions with faces I'd rather not see again. Dawn and Horde won't recognize this body. Death Knights will. Not sure if prospect of seeing Razuvious and/or Gothik again on civil terms is better or worse than meeting them in battle. Have always been a fan of Fordring. Might as well.

Will wait a few weeks for warmer reception.

---

Not as planned. Still reek of rotting fruit.

But I am a member of the Horde once again.

The dead are restless <--- I keep thinking these words but I dont know if Im thinking them or if a spirit is saying them to me or if I dreamed them. Its really hard to think and focus and sometimes even to just stay in the not spirit world. I dont know how long ago I wrote in here last but I looked at myself in the water today and I dont look like what I remember. I think I got bigger. I think I got too old because a lot of my mane is white and I dont remember that. But Im still not as big as other tauren.

Maybe Im one of the ones who shrink when they get old??

I neeed to focus on stuff more. I dont know how many days ago I did things and what I still need to do or where I am. But Ill find Ogremar and get to the kodo and see people I know and maybe things will be better. Is the kodo still there? I hope so. I dont remember who I know there

And then I will remember to keep writing in the book so I dont forget about things. My hand hurts from writing now so Im stopping.